I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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