I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
