Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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