I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have aggressive nipples.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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