You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize