in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she looked like the before picture.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
