Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
