so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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