He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
