Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
