if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
