Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
