So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
