After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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