My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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