They should really pass out barf bags in church
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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