I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
