She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
