I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
