I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
