My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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