Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
