so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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