Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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