I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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