The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
40s are totally the cure
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
