I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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