I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
