if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
