i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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