Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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