Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize