When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
