He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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