Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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