I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
