Life is so much better after having sex.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He better not be in your backpack
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
