Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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