So drunk its hurt
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
