my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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