My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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