I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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