Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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