My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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