Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
