The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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