I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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