saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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