anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
