I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
