Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
