I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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