Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
