oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
