i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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