You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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