PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
